If we’re going to elect a president from reality television, he should fill his cabinet with appointees from that same world. Here are my suggestions for how he could do so.
Paris Hilton (The Simple Life)
No one books more worldwide travel than Paris, and from what I learned from Obama’s first Secretary of State, that’s the most important qualification.
Todd Hoffman (Gold Rush)
I’m not sure if he makes more money from gold mining or being on TV, but this is the man I want in charge of our Treasury.
Rudy Boesch (Survivor)
Can you think of anyone more kick ass than Rudy for the Defense Department?
The woman has been presiding over her courtroom for 21 seasons. That has got to be sufficient experience.
Phil Robertson (Duck Dynasty)
Although it should really be called the Department of the Exterior, this department manages national parks and other outside things. Phil certainly enjoys the outdoors, and he’s actually a Trump supporter.
Flavor Flav (The Surreal Life)
With the wave of marijuana legalization sweeping the country (and likely to become our number one crop), Flavor Flav is the only choice for the Department of Agriculture.
My second choice would be Alton Brown (Good Eats). The man knows more about food than anyone!
Rick Harrison (Pawn Stars)
You’ve seen the man tell people something is worth $1,000, and then buy it for $50. Put him in charge of the Commerce Department.
Mike Rowe (Dirty Jobs)
Want to return to the good ole fashioned American work ethic, Mike Rowe is the man to make it happen.
Health and Human Services
Michelle Duggar (19 Kids and Couning)
Who could possibly know more human services, including how to deal with abused children?
My second choice was The Octomom, but she never had an actual show.
Housing and Urban Development
Chip and Joanna Gains (Fixer Upper) for Housing. Kim Kardashian (Keeping Up With the Kardashians) for Urban Development.
You get a two-fer here. Chip and Joanna have the housing world nailed, and Kim Kardashian is equally knowledgeable about the urban environment.
Jesse James (Monster Garage)
Yeah, he’s a bit of a d-bag, but the dude can build some serious hot rods.
I’ll confess that I’ve never actually watched this show, but until there’s a show about nuclear plants, we’ll have to go with the guy that makes something that your car can run on.
Mama June Shannon (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo)
Sure, she exploits her child, but she’d never do that to yours, would she?
Duane “Dog” Chapman (Dog the Bounty Hunter)
Don’t you feel safer knowing he’s out there bringing the bad guys in?
Bear Grylls (Man vs. Wild)
He’s former British Special Air Services, so he knows the military, he’s suffered horrific injuries in service, and given the things I’ve watched him eat, the food at the VA shouldn’t be a problem. Plus, if there’s any department that needs someone to kick ass and take names, it’s the VA.
My second choice was Captain Paul Watson (Whale Wars). He’s a captain, so that means he’s qualified, right?
Of course, the following aren’t true cabinet positions, but they must still be filled.
Internal Revenue Service
Omarosa (The Apprentice)
She knows Trump, and besides, everyone already dislikes her. The IRS won’t make her reputation any worse.
Heidi Montag (The Hills)
Who knows more about surgery than Heidi Montag?
Director of Central Intelligence
Richard Hatch (Survivor)
Conniving, secretive and always willing to stab a friend in the back; sounds like the CIA.
Director of the FBI
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (Jersey Shore)
The Situation is well versed in the workings of the legal system.
Centers for Medicare and Medicaid
Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson, Bridget Marquardt (Girls Next Door)
In taking care of Hugh Hefner, the Girls Next Door should have a solid understanding of the Medicare system. And I suspect they were involved with the Medicaid system before attaining fame.
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
Nicole Elizabeth “Snooki” LaVelle (Jersey Shore)
Snooki has two of the three down pat. She can learn about guns.
Supreme Court Nominations
Simon Crowell (American Idol)
Alex Guarnaschelli (Chopped)
Two of my favorite judges. They should have a big board with “X”es put up in the court room to speed up the hearing process.
Chief of Staff
Gordon Ramsey (Hell’s Kitchen)
Gorden is needed to keep everyone in line.
Ambassador to the UN
Johnny Knoxville (Jackass)
I have no doubt Johnny will give the UN the respect it deserves.
My second choice was Tila Tequila (Celebrity Big Brother). But it was a bit too on the nose.
Small Business Administration
Marc Cuban (Shark Tank)
I know, Marc and Donald don’t exactly get along, but small businesses are the engine of our economy. Cuban will do it for the good of the country.
Environmental Protection Agency
Sig Hansen (Deadliest Catch)
The better shape the environment is kept in, the more fish we’ll have. The more fish we have, the better Sig’s show will be. That’s the mindset I want running EPA.
So, who did I miss? Who would you include instead of any of these?
Hat tip to my old friend Rick B. for helping fill out this list. He watches much more television than I do.